how to...: 2010

2. How to...win the slot machine game

Everyone dreams to win a lotto game, achieve a large gain from gambling or make a profit from rich relative's death, but those are the things that are always happening to the others,since the most of us have to work hard to get any money. You know why? It's just because of two simply reasons:

No-one can't afford to repeatedly play the lottery or to gamble until he wins.
Doesn't have any rich relative willing to die, or if anyone has, he has no guts to kill him.

But do not desperate! Thank to your God that we are still here to share the secrets and wisdom of our greatest gambling experts with you.

You know what is the best part? You don't?

The best part is: ALL IS FOR FREE!

Everybody say Hallelujah! I can't hear it!

One more Hallelujah for me!

Come on, say it... No Hallelujah, no secrets... So?

Yeah...that's right!

(Sorry, sometimes I forget that I'm deaf.)

Now, let's go back to the topic. Our experts offer us four easy steps how to make profit of the slot machines game:

DECISION
PREPARATION
STRESS HANDLING
ACTION

1. DECISION

Even for the smallest step, good and constructive decision is essential. First of all, you have to ask yourself "What would I do to get rich?"

So, what are you really capable to do to get rich?

Can you steal?

Can you do a robbery?

Push a skunk into your ass?

Rhythmically fart the national anthem?

None of above?

What you're waiting than?

Cut the crap and say: Yes...I want to get rich, even though I have to crack the nuts by my rectum!

Did you say it? Congratulations, you have decided. Now you can go to the nearest casino just to feel the rush.

2. PREPARATION

Every successful action needs some good and efficient preparation, which is quite simple for our current task. All you need is to provide the items as it follows:

Slot machine costume
Canned beans
Pictures of fruits on the plastic wheels
Flashlight
"Being Darth Vader" - the book
Breath freshener
Plan B

3. STRESS HANDLING

Gambling is a very stressful activity, so you have to do some stress handling before you start to earn your fortune, and the best way to do it is to play The Afghan Nintendo. Follow these simple instructions to become successful and unstressed gamer.

Connect your hands
Cross your fingers
Twiddle the thumbs

To complete a level, you have to play for just five minutes. When you complete the game, you unlock another game mode, so you can play backwards. After completing the backwards mode, you unlock a special feature, a multiplayer game, where you can play with unlimited number of your friends. There's also available an online version of the game.

3. ACTION

Finally, now is the time to start earning some money. If you have made your preparation as we recommended, the rest of our mission will be easy as a pie.

1.Appearance

First of all, you have to put your Vegas slot machine costume on, facing a front side backward, positioning the slot somewhere in the middle of your bottom.

2. Placing

Enter the casino and find some good place among the other machines, but you have to pay attention to place yourself near the toilets, so you can do your machine maintenance.

3. Energy boost

Eat your canned beans, because you can't work efficiently as long as you're thinking about your empty stomach. If one can of beans is not enough, you can add another one to your preparation.

4. Principles of the game

Now, let the games begin...
Wait in a row for your first player. You can dance a little, sing some silly song, mumble a melody from "Saturday night fever", or do whatever is necessary to attract a player.

And, finally, you've found one!

At the start of the game he inserts the coin into the slot, and push it deep, until it ends in your asshole. You have to create some sound, so he can be sure that his bet was accepted.
Then the player starts to play.

While he's pushing your buttons, you have to spin the fruit pictures, but be careful... you should not make the winning combination, unless you have to fart. The moment you have to fart is the moment when the player wins.
At that situation, all you have to do is to put together the winning combination and start to shout " Ping, ping, ping" repeatedly, while you're turning you flashlight on and off. Then you have to fart as loud as you can, to attract the attention from other players, and try to fart out as less coins as you can. When player wins, he doesn't care how much money you have farted out, he's just delirious that he won.
If you had some players who have played a lot, and you feel a pressure at your sphincter, just go to the toilet,fart all the coins out your colon, and save them to the safe place. That's the money you have earned, easy and tax free.
If you're persistent enough, the sky is a limit for your earnings.

FAQ

Q: What happens if I have to fart too often?

A: Don't worry about it. People like machines they can easily win. More you fart - more they win, more they win - more they play, more they play - more money you can gain.Just follow this simple logic, and you'll earn your money.

Q: What if I'm farting all the time?

A: Don't panic. Try to control your farting. Squeeze your ass, for Christ's sake, and use your breath freshener. If your fart stinks, your breath doesn't have to.

Q: What if I really can't control my farting?

A: Than it must be a beans overdose, you glutton. That is an emergency case, because the beans overdose leads you straight to the bankruptcy. Simulate the Darth Vader's voice and start to repeat "Machine is out of order...maintenance needed", while you're trying to reach the nearest toilet.

Q: What if I fart a shit out when player wins?

A: It's not a big deal. All the players are used to get a shit from the game. Maybe not in phisical form, but it doesn't make any difference.

Q: Are there any gender limitations?

A: Absolutely not. In this game everybody can participate: males, females and she-males. Females have the best chances to win, just due to a small physical advantage - they have two slots, and while they've got one moneybox empty, the other one remains untouched.

Q: What if I fail?

A: Then use a plan B

5. Plan B

If you're not lucky in earning money with casino slot machines, you can always put a Coca Cola vending machine costume on, fill your ass up with Coca Cola cans, and fart them out for one dollar each. You can't earn as much as a casino slot machine, but that's the best way to get some experience before jumping back in the big game.

Here you can see how a good preparation process is looking like:

TESTIMONIALS

Great tutorial and great career opportunity. I've started as the biggest Vegas slot machine, but I don't like a stressful living, so I changed my career. Now I'm a hot dog and tuna sandwich vending machine.

Read On 1 komentari

1. How to...become a successful stalker

If you ever dreamed about becoming a successful and respected stalker, or you've been involved in stalking by accident, there are four easy steps, which show you how to stalk with style and confidence. All you have to do is to follow those simple steps, and your success is guaranteed.

First of all, we have to make a detailed plan as it follows:

                   1. DECISION
                     2. VICTIM SELECTION
                     3. PREPARATION
                     4. ACTION

Good planning is essential to achieve the best possible results, so read carefully this how to... manual and reach the perfection of creative stalking.

1. DECISION - How to decide to stalk

If you want to succeed, you must decide. Since you're reading this how to...manual, you have a good predisposition to do it. So, let's decide.

   1. Take a deep breath,
   2. Look upwards,
   3. Breed out,
   4. Spit on the ground,

5. Fart once,
6.. Say:"What the hell, let's do it!"

Congratulations. Now you're ready for the next step.

2. VICTIM SELECTION

That is the easier step of this how to...manual. Look around you, find someone you would like to stalk, and that's it. Every victim is a good victim, just like the word says itself. If you are not feeling confident, you can practice on cats.

3.PREPARATION

Things you might need for your operation:

ninja turtles costume
binoculars
bird stickers
pizza cut
paper
car
plan B

4.ACTION

1. Put on your ninja turtle costume.

Your costume is your biggest advantage.

First of all, no one sees your face.
Secondly, there are lots of people wearing costumes for advertising.
No one gives a shit about your activities. They're all just staring at your stupid outfit.

2. Build a relationship with the victim.

The time to start following your victim has come. You have to follow her/him very close. Be always one step behind, not to close, but not too far. Try to adjust the distance at 3 ft and 1 inch and keep it that way all the time. You have also to try hiding in her/his shadow, so the victim can't see you immediately. Your breath in the victim's hair is the best way to establish good and perspective relationship.

FAQ:

Q: What if victim looks behind?

A: In a perfect plan the victim doesn't look behind, so cut the crap and stick to the plan. But, accidentally, if really does it, you have three solutions:

Hoping she/he will think that is some kind of mutant ninja parade,
Take a paper we prepared before(see preparation) with a "Jesus saves" written on it,
Praying the victim will not start to scream.

4. Surveillance

There will be some times when you will not be able to maintain the perfect relationship, so you'll have to use some other methods, highly recommended by the most successful private investigators. All you have to do is to find nice and peaceful place, take binoculars and keep your eyes on the object of your desire. take the pizza cut and write your notes on the dough to keep it for further use. I know that's not as good as close stalking, but every relationship has a period when people have to take some rest from each other.

FAQ:

Q: What if police officer approaches?

A: If police officer comes close, take your bird stickers, and put them on the binocular's lenses. Take your pizza cut and eat all your data written on it. If he really approaches give him binoculars and show him the beautiful birds you're just watching.

Q: What if he suspects anything?

A: Cut the crap and stop asking me that stupid questions. Who will find anything suspicious about ninja turtle dressed man who is watching the birds while eating a pizza?

Q: But if he suspects anyway?

A: Ok, now tell me who's side are you on? Policeman's or your own? Who do you support in this activity?

5. Transportation

Very important: You have always use your own transportation.

FAQ:

Q: Why I can't use a cab?

A: Just because there's no cab driver who will forget driving a ninja mutant in his cab.

Q: Why I can't use the subway or bus or train or ship or...?

A: Why can't you just shut up?

6. Plan B

If this operation fail, don't blame yourself. Something's must been wrong with the costume. Go to the nearest costume shop, buy a hot dog costume and start the operation all over again. This time you must succeed.

Learn from successful stalkers: