how to...: 1. How to...become a successful stalker

If you ever dreamed about becoming a successful and respected stalker, or you've been involved in stalking by accident, there are four easy steps, which show you how to stalk with style and confidence. All you have to do is to follow those simple steps, and your success is guaranteed.

First of all, we have to make a detailed plan as it follows:

                   1. DECISION
                     2. VICTIM SELECTION
                     3. PREPARATION
                     4. ACTION

Good planning is essential to achieve the best possible results, so read carefully this how to... manual and reach the perfection of creative stalking.

1. DECISION - How to decide to stalk

If you want to succeed, you must decide. Since you're reading this how to...manual, you have a good predisposition to do it. So, let's decide.

   1. Take a deep breath,
   2. Look upwards,
   3. Breed out,
   4. Spit on the ground,

5. Fart once,
6.. Say:"What the hell, let's do it!"

Congratulations. Now you're ready for the next step.

2. VICTIM SELECTION

That is the easier step of this how to...manual. Look around you, find someone you would like to stalk, and that's it. Every victim is a good victim, just like the word says itself. If you are not feeling confident, you can practice on cats.

3.PREPARATION

Things you might need for your operation:

ninja turtles costume
binoculars
bird stickers
pizza cut
paper
car
plan B

4.ACTION

1. Put on your ninja turtle costume.

Your costume is your biggest advantage.

First of all, no one sees your face.
Secondly, there are lots of people wearing costumes for advertising.
No one gives a shit about your activities. They're all just staring at your stupid outfit.

2. Build a relationship with the victim.

The time to start following your victim has come. You have to follow her/him very close. Be always one step behind, not to close, but not too far. Try to adjust the distance at 3 ft and 1 inch and keep it that way all the time. You have also to try hiding in her/his shadow, so the victim can't see you immediately. Your breath in the victim's hair is the best way to establish good and perspective relationship.

FAQ:

Q: What if victim looks behind?

A: In a perfect plan the victim doesn't look behind, so cut the crap and stick to the plan. But, accidentally, if really does it, you have three solutions:

Hoping she/he will think that is some kind of mutant ninja parade,
Take a paper we prepared before(see preparation) with a "Jesus saves" written on it,
Praying the victim will not start to scream.

4. Surveillance

There will be some times when you will not be able to maintain the perfect relationship, so you'll have to use some other methods, highly recommended by the most successful private investigators. All you have to do is to find nice and peaceful place, take binoculars and keep your eyes on the object of your desire. take the pizza cut and write your notes on the dough to keep it for further use. I know that's not as good as close stalking, but every relationship has a period when people have to take some rest from each other.

FAQ:

Q: What if police officer approaches?

A: If police officer comes close, take your bird stickers, and put them on the binocular's lenses. Take your pizza cut and eat all your data written on it. If he really approaches give him binoculars and show him the beautiful birds you're just watching.

Q: What if he suspects anything?

A: Cut the crap and stop asking me that stupid questions. Who will find anything suspicious about ninja turtle dressed man who is watching the birds while eating a pizza?

Q: But if he suspects anyway?

A: Ok, now tell me who's side are you on? Policeman's or your own? Who do you support in this activity?

5. Transportation

Very important: You have always use your own transportation.

FAQ:

Q: Why I can't use a cab?

A: Just because there's no cab driver who will forget driving a ninja mutant in his cab.

Q: Why I can't use the subway or bus or train or ship or...?

A: Why can't you just shut up?

6. Plan B

If this operation fail, don't blame yourself. Something's must been wrong with the costume. Go to the nearest costume shop, buy a hot dog costume and start the operation all over again. This time you must succeed.

Learn from successful stalkers: